Poise
Pairs polarize.
Think of a pair of people of which you are one-half, and who have a tendency toward opposition.
We all can find that in a parent or a partner of some kind.
There are some BIG examples of opposing sides in the headlines.
Might our predisposition toward ‘taking a side’ be such a strong force because it works?
Can we capture the energy generated by the crackle of opposition?
Finishing School will venture some suggestions.
We would be glad if these ideas start a conversation here in the comments.
Especially now in 2020, as we are building Finishing School to be a practice space for manners that befit real adults.
To begin, let’s start out with some book learning:
Psychological theory proposes that our appetite for conflict within our close partnerships stems from weak tolerance for the painful but inevitable human condition of inner-conflict. Inner-conflict comes when a person experiences two or more competing needs. This is called ambivalence.
The classic example of ambivalence comes from a person’s first experience of it: any toddler’s temper tantrums are made of the competing wishes of “I want to do it all by myself” versus “You do it for me.” Toddlerhood is the first time we experience inner-conflict. Think about this carefully, and then you can see the temper tantrum as a first existential crisis. Feel for your inner-toddler: for the pain of a tantrum, hollered and cried out. And in the classic tantrum, you also see the go-to sneak-move of finding an Enemy to blame. To the toddler, the problem is outside, e.g., all mom’s fault, or something like that.
With maturity, we get better at accepting and making peace with our mixed-feelings. However, whenever we feel as vulnerable as we did when we were wee, we will regress. Somehow, different sorts of intimate partnerships have a way of stirring up any unfinished business from our early years. Looked at the right way, repetitive conflict can be looked at as a portal to next-level maturity, when you’re not in throes of a tantrum. When inner-conflict is activated, it is excruciating unless we have developed a good amount of tolerance for mixed-feelings/ ambivalence. This is the kind of maturity that will evade us if we repeat the cheap trick of exporting our inner-conflicts on to the closest ‘bad guy.’
If the above snippet of psychological thinking gave you enough room to consider that sneak-move we all make of projecting-onto-the-other-guy our bad experiences of our own ambivalence, than go with me here: Perhaps the good guy / bad guy aspect of conflict in our relationships—even in the most civilized version—is so satisfying since we’ll never have a satisfying ‘win’ between our own competing inner-needs.
Another wondering: maybe the more we disregard our own inner-conflict, the more we neeeeeed a win between ourselves and any opponent who seems willing to duke it out. Maybe it’s the people with whom we have a social contract (lifemate, workmate, family), and thus have to either stick around or otherwise estrange, that we pick (on).
The deep / unconscious discomfort of ambivalence drives repetitive conflict. Spot the conflict, then look deep within. Free-write about the circumstances and look for the shadow within yourself of what you blamed of your partner. What you have projected is what you have disavowed. Be courageous as you ask within: have I done as I have blamed? Be assured that along with humility, you’ll have a giddy rush of forgiveness for your partner and yourself.
There’s a lot of valuable theory that explains the presence of repetitive conflict in partnerships in our contemporary era that people learn in therapy school. If you’re interested, you can look up Dialogue Therapy, especially the book: Love Between Equals (2019, Young-Eisendrath).
Questions? We’d love the opportunity to clarify. It’s hard to be articulate about the unconscious mind.
Many thinks to the big and ongoing work of Polly Young Eisendrath, and her technique of Real Dialogue which is referenced here.
Consider these five prompts to practice using opposition to practice poise:
1. You know this one by know: watch out for black and white language/ thinking: always/ never/ everyone/ no one/ the most / the worst/ the best.... This is splitsville, where inner-conflict divides into an experience of good guy vs. bad guy.
2. When you feel that surge of energy that comes with confrontation, be glad. While social ease is easy, the challenge of two subjects battling for the designation of ‘truth’ or ‘reality’ might be nothing less than a genesis of human culture. Say to yourself: there is potential for great discovery in this clash. Be curious. Engage your detective mind and you won’t lose your head.
3. When you see your partner’s---or feel your own--psychological defensiveness start to rise, take conscious note of it. Again: be curious. Think about the animal kingdom bearing teeth, hissing, growling, spitting, spraying, puffing up, fanning out… Remembering the animal elements of our nature helps not to make it personal or take it personally. Territory is being threatened, so muscles are being flexed. This is adversarial, like a game. Feel excited, and allow for your fondness for this person to fuel your faith that what *was* missing from a shared understanding is now in the room, between you, as yet misunderstood. Played right, a secret will be revealed.
4. Try to catch the conflict when it’s a baby problem: If you can tell the other has been building a case for their own rightness/ your wrongness, listen to them for as long as it takes to see why this particular matter is threatening to them. Aim to grasp, from the other’s perspective, what is the problem. Hold it in your mind, saying it back to them until you’ve nailed it: when you do, they agree “that’s right!” Their defences will immediately lower. The very need to be understood is the first reason these heated words are being spoken. When this need is met, there is already relief. Hold this understanding in your mind alongside your own convictions, the differences often melt some. You can still allow yourself to be ‘right,’ and also feel confident in your courage and capacity to listen well to the other’s point of view, when the other hasn’t done so you for you. You have the advantage. Now you can craft the telling of your point of view, having established humility and empathy around the other’s experience, and for that, you will be cherished. You have stepped ahead. Don’t rush to resolve the conflict. Sleep on it. Mull while you’re on the bus, on a walk. Write down your talking points. As the emotional intensity retreats, it’s amazing how many other important things there are to consider. Even our strongest convictions recede in importance beside an exciting new discovery about oneself, or a project, or life itself.
5. You will get another chance to practice with your partner, it’s your dance. Perhaps it will replay…the next time patience is stretched thin…at the end of the month when money is tight…. Blood will again run hot, the will to fight or flee will arise: this is available energy for discovery if you can capture it with the turbine of curiosity.
